life
October 11, 2013 at 2:36am
So I abandoned my love of writing for fear.
It wasn't even my fear though it was the fear of someone else and I let their fear control me.
I put their wants ahead of my needs.
I need to write, I need to express myself.
I deserve to be able to tell my stories with no one controlling or influencing me.
Right now as each day passes I lose pieces of me.
Pieces of my soul and my heart are being stolen by a man who has violated me.
I have been molested, raped, watched my father abuse my mother, I have been emotionally and verbally abused. I have been cheated on and fallen out of love with someone, which that sucks, watching your love for someone slip away and fighting it with every fiber of your being.
Have you ever felt something that it doesn't feel like there is a good way to describe it?
So we all get what rape is, forced, unwanted sex.
What is it when you are lied to for years?
What is it when someone says they love you and they never did?
I feel like I was emotionally raped.
I feel like I was cheated out of making choices about my own body.
I feel like my love was stolen.
I did freely give of myself, to him, his children, his family, his friends, I went all in, I gave my everything.
No doubts.
No fear.
I jumped in.
In love, into his life and into his bed.
He played me all along.
I feel like he has taken pieces of my heart and my soul that I am not sure I will ever get back.
I hate knowing I was used.
I hate knowing I was used for my amazing love and ability to care for children.
Invited to love them and raise them as my own only to now face having them ripped from my life.
In my head I get they are not my children, and I am not taking any credit away from their parents.
But in my heart I loved them as my own.
So here again I greive the loss of children that are not mine.
After losing my first love and greiving for the child I was never able to have with him, here I am again.
I cannot fault my first love, the love faded for us both, we were unable to concieve, it happens.
I can fault this guy.
He knowingly lied to me.
He cheated me.
He played a great game to invite me in as a part of his family, even pulling the wool over his childrens eyes.
All the while it was some big game to him.
My life was some sort of conquest?
Strategic role playing exercise?
What the hell should I call it?
He invited me into his children's lives, claimed to invite me into his heart and invited me into his bed.
He took advantage of me.
He violated my heart and soul with his lies.
He obliterated my hope in real love with his games.
I have never been perfect and never will be.
I have made mistakes, many of them.
At 18 I was a virgin, until a man took that from me when he raped me.
I was so messed up and confused in so many ways, I went back to my rapist.
I was then raped again, more than once.
It took years of sleepless nights and so many flashbacks and nightmares before I could even start to heal.
This feels worse.
I feel violated.
I feel manipulated.
I feel emotionally raped.
I feel as though I was lied to so he could have access to my body and make me his whore.
I feel as if my love was stolen, I freely gave to someone I believed loved me back.
I can't change what was done.
I can't erase the violations of my spirit.
I can choose my future though.
I choose one where I will never be violated again, not my body, mind or soul.
I choose a future with true love, real trust and happiness.
I will not let someone so unworthy of sniffing my fart ever ruin the amazing that is me.
It wasn't even my fear though it was the fear of someone else and I let their fear control me.
I put their wants ahead of my needs.
I need to write, I need to express myself.
I deserve to be able to tell my stories with no one controlling or influencing me.
Right now as each day passes I lose pieces of me.
Pieces of my soul and my heart are being stolen by a man who has violated me.
I have been molested, raped, watched my father abuse my mother, I have been emotionally and verbally abused. I have been cheated on and fallen out of love with someone, which that sucks, watching your love for someone slip away and fighting it with every fiber of your being.
Have you ever felt something that it doesn't feel like there is a good way to describe it?
So we all get what rape is, forced, unwanted sex.
What is it when you are lied to for years?
What is it when someone says they love you and they never did?
I feel like I was emotionally raped.
I feel like I was cheated out of making choices about my own body.
I feel like my love was stolen.
I did freely give of myself, to him, his children, his family, his friends, I went all in, I gave my everything.
No doubts.
No fear.
I jumped in.
In love, into his life and into his bed.
He played me all along.
I feel like he has taken pieces of my heart and my soul that I am not sure I will ever get back.
I hate knowing I was used.
I hate knowing I was used for my amazing love and ability to care for children.
Invited to love them and raise them as my own only to now face having them ripped from my life.
In my head I get they are not my children, and I am not taking any credit away from their parents.
But in my heart I loved them as my own.
So here again I greive the loss of children that are not mine.
After losing my first love and greiving for the child I was never able to have with him, here I am again.
I cannot fault my first love, the love faded for us both, we were unable to concieve, it happens.
I can fault this guy.
He knowingly lied to me.
He cheated me.
He played a great game to invite me in as a part of his family, even pulling the wool over his childrens eyes.
All the while it was some big game to him.
My life was some sort of conquest?
Strategic role playing exercise?
What the hell should I call it?
He invited me into his children's lives, claimed to invite me into his heart and invited me into his bed.
He took advantage of me.
He violated my heart and soul with his lies.
He obliterated my hope in real love with his games.
I have never been perfect and never will be.
I have made mistakes, many of them.
At 18 I was a virgin, until a man took that from me when he raped me.
I was so messed up and confused in so many ways, I went back to my rapist.
I was then raped again, more than once.
It took years of sleepless nights and so many flashbacks and nightmares before I could even start to heal.
This feels worse.
I feel violated.
I feel manipulated.
I feel emotionally raped.
I feel as though I was lied to so he could have access to my body and make me his whore.
I feel as if my love was stolen, I freely gave to someone I believed loved me back.
I can't change what was done.
I can't erase the violations of my spirit.
I can choose my future though.
I choose one where I will never be violated again, not my body, mind or soul.
I choose a future with true love, real trust and happiness.
I will not let someone so unworthy of sniffing my fart ever ruin the amazing that is me.
No comments:
Post a Comment