Am I worthy?

So I had a conversation with someone this weekend. Making small talk about games we play on our phone with our friends and me mentioning my new job. I made the comment that, "Something is better than nothing". Yes, I appreciate that I can have a job, but wish it wasn't so far away, paid more and had guaranteed hours. Then as I thought more about what I just said, I thought I should clarify one thing, because I was talking to a friend of a guy I have just started seeing. I said, "Except in relationships, I would rather just be alone" as much as just being alone can be tough, it is a much better idea than using a person as a place holder.

As the conversation went on we talked a little bit about my past and about a very difficult relationship from my past. I shared about it in an earlier post. I shared a few details, like being required to turn over all of my passwords. And after each thing I shared, he said but wasn't that a flag right there. Like didn't I see as my life was slowly being taken over by this man and my freedoms were disappearing. And the truth is no, I didn't. I couldn't see it. And if anyone else could see it, they never said anything. I justified everything in my mind. I made excuses for his controlling choices. Like he needed all my passwords because his ex had cheated and he needed to be able to verify I was not cheating. I wasn't cheating though and I never gave him a reason to be concerned that I would. 

I went over many details, all with similar results, I could explain why I in a way submitted to each of these new things where my freedoms were slowly stripped away. So after listening to me explain this for a little while he asked me why I stayed, why I didn't leave. Without thinking I answered. I told him that I was in love. That the changes didn't start right away, but once they started I was already in love, already living with him, and already committed. He asked me why I allows, why I stayed and I again said because I was in love. He said that love isn't enough, that there are other things you need in a relationship, like respect. He asked again why. Without thinking I replied, because I didn't think I was worthy of anything better, I didn't think I was good enough. He said that made sense considering my past. 

So as the serious part of the conversation wrapped up and my weekend has gone on, I have really been thinking. How many things from my past have made me feel unworthy? Unworthy of love, respect, or even basic rights. And all of these things flood into my head. All of these reasons why I know I am not worthy and how I am not good enough. All of these now seemingly ridiculous justifications as to why men, friends and even family have had a right to treat me like this. I think one of the biggest things is I have let them, I have not stood up to them. In a way though I guess I never realized how wrong it was. 

I guess I will be exploring this more in the future.

The difference between a house and a home

A house is a building that functions as a home for humans or other creatures, including simple dwellings ranging from rudimentary huts of nomadic tribes and complex structures composed of many systems.

A home is a dwelling-place used as a permanent or semi-permanent residence for an individual, family, household or several families in a tribe. 

According to the definitions there really isn't much of a difference. To me it is very different. A house is a place where your things are and where would typically sleep. So it is just a structure or building. A home is so much more for me though. A home has love and safety and this amazing level of comfort.

So what if a home doesn't necessarily have to be defined as a place. What if home is in someone's arms? They wrap their arms around you and you feel safe and loved like never before.

I have lived in many houses over the years, some apartments, some actual homes, some rooms I have shared, so a pretty good assortment of places. Very few of these places have ever felt like home to me. They felt like a shelter from the elements, but not what I envisioned a home to be at all.

More recently I have had a very clear vision of home. I have felt home. It wasn't what I expected at all. It isn't some magical house with beautifully coordinated wall paints or even a cozy little room. Home for me is in someone's arms. I think this says it beautifully, "You put your arms around me and I'm home." It is a line from a Christina Perri song 'Arms' and the whole song is rather amazing, but it made me think that maybe my search for a 'home' for all these years has been flawed. I need to quit searching for a place and filling it with things. I need to find that person, let him wrap his arms around me and be 'home'.

I feel so blessed to know what home feels like. To know that barely explainable amazing feeling of safety and love. I hope that one day everyone finds their feeling of home like I have.

Life - October 11, 2013

So a few years ago I quit writing and one night it exploded into this.

life

October 11, 2013 at 2:36am

So I abandoned my love of writing for fear.
It wasn't even my fear though it was the fear of someone else and I let their fear control me.
I put their wants ahead of my needs.
I need to write, I need to express myself.
I deserve to be able to tell my stories with no one controlling or influencing me.

Right now as each day passes I lose pieces of me.
Pieces of my soul and my heart are being stolen by a man who has violated me.
I have been molested, raped, watched my father abuse my mother, I have been emotionally and verbally abused. I have been cheated on and fallen out of love with someone, which that sucks, watching your love for someone slip away and fighting it with every fiber of your being.

Have you ever felt something that it doesn't feel like there is a good way to describe it?
So we all get what rape is, forced, unwanted sex.
What is it when you are lied to for years?
What is it when someone says they love you and they never did?
I feel like I was emotionally raped.
I feel like I was cheated out of making choices about my own body.
I feel like my love was stolen.
I did freely give of myself, to him, his children, his family, his friends, I went all in, I gave my everything. 
No doubts.
No fear.
I jumped in.
In love, into his life and into his bed.
He played me all along.
I feel like he has taken pieces of my heart and my soul that I am not sure I will ever get back.
I hate knowing I was used.

I hate knowing I was used for my amazing love and ability to care for children.
Invited to love them and raise them as my own only to now face having them ripped from my life.
In my head I get they are not my children, and I am not taking any credit away from their parents.
But in my heart I loved them as my own.
So here again I greive the loss of children that are not mine.

After losing my first love and greiving for the child I was never able to have with him, here I am again.
I cannot fault my first love, the love faded for us both, we were unable to concieve, it happens.

I can fault this guy. 
He knowingly lied to me.
He cheated me.
He played a great game to invite me in as a part of his family, even pulling the wool over his childrens eyes.
All the while it was some big game to him.
My life was some sort of conquest?
Strategic role playing exercise?
What the hell should I call it?

He invited me into his children's lives, claimed to invite me into his heart and invited me into his bed.
He took advantage of me.
He violated my heart and soul with his lies. 
He obliterated my hope in real love with his games.

I have never been perfect and never will be.

I have made mistakes, many of them.

At 18 I was a virgin, until a man took that from me when he raped me.
I was so messed up and confused in so many ways, I went back to my rapist.
I was then raped again, more than once.
It took years of sleepless nights and so many flashbacks and nightmares before I could even start to heal.

This feels worse.

I feel violated.
I feel manipulated.
I feel emotionally raped.
I feel as though I was lied to so he could have access to my body and make me his whore.
I feel as if my love was stolen, I freely gave to someone I believed loved me back.

I can't change what was done.
I can't erase the violations of my spirit.

I can choose my future though.
I choose one where I will never be violated again, not my body, mind or soul.
I choose a future with true love, real trust and happiness.
I will not let someone so unworthy of sniffing my fart ever ruin the amazing that is me.

Trust

Can you trust someone else if you can't trust yourself?
Have you ever had doubts about entering into a relationship?
Not just a romantic one, even a simple friendship.
Trusting someone with the very things that can be used to tear your soul apart.
What do you share?
What do you keep locked up tight?
How do you silence that voice in your head telling you to run or even just simply questioning the situation?
This is the thing.
Do not silence that voice.
Not ever.
If it is a screaming warning or even a wondering whisper, always listen to it. 
I realized I had a tendency to ignore the whispers and I was able to suppress them even if they turned into blood curdling screams clawing at my brain to wake my feet up and run.
I will not silence the voice in my head.
I will not silence my voice.
That gut feeling of being unsure and uneasy is a whisper that could save your sanity.
Listen to it.
And if others can hear the whispers you are attempting to silence then trust that they are really screams and you are just deaf to the voices screaming in your head.
Run.
Run and never look back.
One day there will be this amazing calm, not a whisper or even a hiccup to be heard.
It will feel safe and amazing.
There won't be questions in your mind.
There won't be an uneasiness in your gut.
There will be this amazing sense of peacefulness.
A surprising calm in the wonderful chaos that is life.
It is hard to describe this feeling, it is almost unrecognizable.
It is almost easier to describe what it isn't.
It isn't that horrible queasy feeling.
It isn't that gut wrenching feeling.
It isn't the feeling of uneasiness.
It isn't that soul crushing feeling of brokenness.
It isn't the heart wrenching feeling of betrayal.
This calm of sweetly, of true trust seems so unnatural for me.
What will I do without the pain and betrayal?
Maybe I will just be happy.
Yes, I think that would be nice.
Trust yourself first and see what can happen.

Words

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
This is what I remember saying as a kid.
The question is - was it ever true?
I think words have always hurt me.
I think I would rather be beaten with sticks and have stones thrown at me than have words used to hurt me.
Physical wounds heal.
The emotional scars on my soul left by the words of those who care for me are so painful. 
How can you use such harsh words when you truly love someone?
How can I recover from the wounds your words have left?
I feel like something inside of me is broken.
It feels like I am holding all of my pieces together with every ounce of strength I have and then your words like Thor's hammer shatter my pieces all over again.
Words can be used to convey so much joy and yet they can also tear into a soul like claws gouging into my flesh. 
Claws ripping apart flesh, tearing into the muscles and blood just gushing out in a seemingly unstoppable stream. 
Wounds so deep that no matter how well I try to fix it on my own I just can't.
At some point do I just give up? 
Accept that people will keep tearing me down no matter how many times I pick myself back up.
Do I lash out in anger and use my words to rip into their flesh?
Do I sink to the level of someone who blindly or worse yet purposely injures others?
Do I let myself be destroyed by labels and judgements? 
No! I stand up tall and I fight back the best I know how.
I don't attack someone else, that will never heal me, I just simply tell them they are wrong.
And then I never let someone else in like that again.
I shut down and try to find a safe place where I can start again.