Am I worthy?

So I had a conversation with someone this weekend. Making small talk about games we play on our phone with our friends and me mentioning my new job. I made the comment that, "Something is better than nothing". Yes, I appreciate that I can have a job, but wish it wasn't so far away, paid more and had guaranteed hours. Then as I thought more about what I just said, I thought I should clarify one thing, because I was talking to a friend of a guy I have just started seeing. I said, "Except in relationships, I would rather just be alone" as much as just being alone can be tough, it is a much better idea than using a person as a place holder.

As the conversation went on we talked a little bit about my past and about a very difficult relationship from my past. I shared about it in an earlier post. I shared a few details, like being required to turn over all of my passwords. And after each thing I shared, he said but wasn't that a flag right there. Like didn't I see as my life was slowly being taken over by this man and my freedoms were disappearing. And the truth is no, I didn't. I couldn't see it. And if anyone else could see it, they never said anything. I justified everything in my mind. I made excuses for his controlling choices. Like he needed all my passwords because his ex had cheated and he needed to be able to verify I was not cheating. I wasn't cheating though and I never gave him a reason to be concerned that I would. 

I went over many details, all with similar results, I could explain why I in a way submitted to each of these new things where my freedoms were slowly stripped away. So after listening to me explain this for a little while he asked me why I stayed, why I didn't leave. Without thinking I answered. I told him that I was in love. That the changes didn't start right away, but once they started I was already in love, already living with him, and already committed. He asked me why I allows, why I stayed and I again said because I was in love. He said that love isn't enough, that there are other things you need in a relationship, like respect. He asked again why. Without thinking I replied, because I didn't think I was worthy of anything better, I didn't think I was good enough. He said that made sense considering my past. 

So as the serious part of the conversation wrapped up and my weekend has gone on, I have really been thinking. How many things from my past have made me feel unworthy? Unworthy of love, respect, or even basic rights. And all of these things flood into my head. All of these reasons why I know I am not worthy and how I am not good enough. All of these now seemingly ridiculous justifications as to why men, friends and even family have had a right to treat me like this. I think one of the biggest things is I have let them, I have not stood up to them. In a way though I guess I never realized how wrong it was. 

I guess I will be exploring this more in the future.